Modern Moms with Modern Solution

I often think about my childhood, which was free of phones, devices and the uncontrollable urge that today’s kids have to be connected. I was definitely not a savvy kid, and even as an adult, navigating Netflix, HBO and Disney Plus is embarrassingly challenging. I don’t like keeping up with technology and particularly detest Google Home and Alexa, which feel like an utter intrusion into my life. My home is, unsurprisingly, quite gadget-free, and I like it. But I do feel like I am at a crossroads when it comes to the significant role technology plays in the future for my children. A part of me believes that the rest of the world can code and design apps, so my kids can be creative in other ways. Or am I holding them back?

A few years ago, my daughter Lara was looking forward to her 12th birthday. It was a highly anticipated one because it was when she would receive her first phone. She couldn’t wait to be connected to her friends and feel like a real pre-teen. Over the years, she had some issues with her iPad where she would exceed her screentime limit or hide the device under her bed; that was followed by the typical consequences of having her usage of the device restricted. Lara was one of the last in her group of friends to get her own phone, so she couldn’t wait for December to roll around.

As we got closer to her birthday, I started to see a shift in her. She began to notice the disadvantages of having a phone: she observed how her friends wasted so much time chatting on irrelevant group chats, or how she felt left out of a sleepover where everyone was glued to the phone watching YouTube. She watched her friends get into trouble for using WhatsApp in class and discovered how other young girls posed in the bathroom for Snapchat. She didn’t want that.

She wanted to paint, tell stories, chat, and be creative, but it was hard when your peers were all plugged into a gadget. But Lara also felt FOMO (aka fear of missing out) when she didn’t know the inside jokes that were circulating on WhatsApp, and again ached for the day she would turn 12. Still, she worried what would happen if she got a phone and was torn between really wanting the phone and really not wanting it.

Then one day, out of the blue, I was sitting at my desk when she sneakily came into my room and asked if she could buy slime online. Lara is truly obsessed with slime and it has covered my walls, floors and upholstery. I despise it. She started to negotiate: if I bought her slime, she would give up her phone. I sat there, shocked, as she explained that her phone didn’t serve much of a purpose; it was distracting her from being creative and using her hands, which she loves.

She said that her good friends could still message her on her iPad, and that she was willing to give it up, turn it off and keep it out of sight. Skeptical, I said I would take the phone for a week to see if she would change her mind. One week later, she desired only the slime. It’s been two months now, and Lara hardly uses the phone except for booking a cab on Grab. Once she’s home, she promptly turns it off and returns it to my closet among our other old iPhones.

1. Goal Setting
   Instead of completely depriving our kids with something they desired, I set a goal – or in this case, a deadline. It’s something they can look forward to and provides a clear sense of direction or motivates them towards an action.
2. Daily intentions
   I placed a conscious effort on my end to help my kids make the right decisions for themselves – this is a long haul game. Lara and I spoke at length about the negative impact that owning a phone can have on our mental health, such as the increase in depression and anxiety, and the decrease in sleep. Because of this, she was aware of what was happening around her and was eventually the one telling me how she could see these effects on many of her peers and friends.
3. Break up with your phone
   Not only do we parents have to tell our kids what to do and why they are bad. We have to model them too! This is not only limited to phones, but also any other electronic devices or activities that we spend too much time on knowing how bad it can be for us. 

Today, so many kids feel the pressure to be cool and feel a sense of autonomy through having a phone or taking part in the latest trend. But hardly any of them at such a young age have a real need for it. I completely understand parents who are not with their children all day, or whose children need to take public transport—and for those reasons, a phone can be a necessity. Bill Gates only gave his kids a phone at 14, so maybe the best way is to communicate well with your children and allow them to deal with social media and online content once they’re at the right age and level of maturity.